Dos and Don’ts of College Hookups

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Let’s face facts, we have all been there.

You wake up at 6 am to find a shirtless, sweaty stranger named Jake. His chest is covered in a terrible tribal tattoo and smells of cheap vodka. Your $24 Forever21 dress is visible on the booze-stained ground.

Your phone is gone. This guy is probably only a 20-minute walk from your home.

You don’t even know where your shoes are.

Now what?

I’m not an expert. Here are five essential do’s and dont’s that Jake and his thirsty friends should know about college hookups.

1) Don’t sleep at his house if your home is seriously damaged. Don’t.

Nothing is worse than being awakened in the middle of the night by a dude and finding out you’re not alone.

A) Pile the bed.

B) Puked all over, even on yourself and him.

C) All of the preceding.

It is not acceptable for girls to do anything that is considered disgusting. Although we are perfectly gross-free goddesses, if you can make a man think otherwise, it’s over.

Even though it’s embarrassing to lose control of your body at home, doing so in someone else’s house is considered social suicide. You will be ridiculed by him and his friends for the rest of college. You will scare the men.

You also have to clean up after yourself. You will need to bring the laundry you’ve soiled home to wash. This means that you will have to go back to him. This conversation will likely be awkward and sober.

Next time, play it safe and go to bed with him at home. Do not linger in the morning.

This advice is for male and female lingerers. You are aware of who you really are and what you must do to get rid of it.

Lingering: Continuing to stay awake after a college drunken hookup. It can take anywhere from 15 minutes to more than an hour.

Drew from Delta Chi is not going to bring you to bagels or talk about your CrossFit workouts. If he claims he is getting up to shower, it’s your signal to go. Goodbye.

No gentlemen, she won’t allow you to make forced small talk and then try to have another go at morning sex.

Get out as quickly and as smoothly as you can. 3) Do and Don’t Do: Movie night.

Anyone who has ever been to college and had a hookup knows that “Come Over for a Movie Night” is a code word for “Come Over so We Can Hook Up.”

This is a great time to remind you of what I said.

Mark, a popular sophomore, didn’t want two hours of quality time with Along Came Polly just to make you say goodbye. He has seen the movie 14 times. You probably never got a text from him inviting you to come out. Exactly.

If you’re looking to go to bed with this man sober, you can always visit his house and ask if you would like to watch a movie.

You should not go to Chad’s naked body without your booze glasses on if you don’t want to see him.

My tip? Bring a bottle of wine to get the best of both. Awkward sober tension: Gone. 4) Don’t: Be a Homie Hopper.

If you don’t know what a Homie Hopper means, who are you? Here’s how I define a homie-hopper:

Homie Hopper is a man or woman who shares a bed with several people within a friend group.

It is a difficult task to be a homie hopper.

All the men you sleep with will think that you are a dirty homie hopper if you are a female. That’s that. Even if you don’t really feel dirty (which, let’s face it, you most likely are), they will see you as such.

You are the bottom of the watered-down jungle juice. Everyone has tried it and nobody wants it in the final.

The consequences for male homie hoppers are not good. Talking to girls is the most common thing they do. Even worse, gossip can ruin your reputation quicker than you can ever buy a can of beer.

You sleep with Kate, a little girl. You meet Heather, her friend, a few weekends later.

Guess what will happen when Kate discovers the truth:

a) Kate is mad and decided to tell her 150 sorority sisters that she has a STD. Yikes.

b) Heather is afraid of Kate ruining her friendship and tells everyone that you’re a creep because she probably did drugs while she wasn’t paying attention. Double yikes.

Homie Hopping: Anyone could do it but most people shouldn’t. 5) Do: Buy her drunk food. Give her food.

It’s really that simple. A drunk girl needs food and sex at the end of a night. The sex will be easier if you offer the food. For guys who are not in the girl’s league, buying a girl food to drink is a great tip.

It’s 2am and you have been dancing all night with Jen, a dime named Jen. Her friends are also leaving. This is the most dangerous time. Either you seal the deal or she bounces along with her girls.

You can be sure that her thoughts are going through her head: “He’s pretty nice looking, but not too great.” I would be happy to go home with him tonight and hookup…or I could go home and have pizza with Trish.

This is the time to stop contemplation. You can take the initiative and suggest that she go to get food, then come back to your house. Now you are all set.